One Of You I finally cracked. I got a cell phone. I hate cell phones. Wretched, cacophonous, clattering, contraptions every one of them. Each moment that this space aged, candy bar sized lump of future sits in my pocket I long even more for a ludite utopia like in "Thundar The Barbarian", except we would still have DSL, peanut butter M&M's, and sex toys. Have I fallen so deeply into my overdeveloped sense of self that I really think it's imperative that I can be reached at all times, and why in God's name do I want to be tied to the rest of the world by an ethereal string anyway? When I'm not home it means I'm doing something. When I'm doing something it means I'm busy. When I'm busy it means that your getting in touch with me is moot because, you know, I'm busy. It's not like there aren't phones in homes anymore. Remember pay phones? Probably not, because all you cell people rendered them an anachronism and ruined it for the rest of us! And what could be a more extravagant waste of money? I'm a cheap bastard. Me and money, we're like marshmallows and gravy (try it. it's delicious) and it's hard for me to think of a more ridiculous expense. Keep in mind as well that I'm on a plan which can only be toped by the one where you get unlimited talk time on my cellular company's generation zero network of cans tied together with string. Do you have any idea how many bags of peanut M&Ms you could buy if you just put your phone to rest? And yet... And yet for literally years now my will to resist the cell phone have been eroded by almost daily incidents in which "gosh wouldn't it be handy to have a cell phone". Had these incidents related to the power of enduring friendship, the transcendent power of true love, or how a loveable but socially awkward young boy and his golden retriever fought against all odds to become co-captains of the high school football team as well as teaching the small town residents a lesson or two about life along the way I'd have a fucking blockbuster on my hands. That's power my friends. And so it was that I finally had enough. With trembling hands and a sad heart I purchased my own rope. Now, there's nothing left to do but... Oops. Hang on a sec. I'm ringing.
|