Winners And Losers In an astonishing move, Huck has won the contest to have drinks with my friend James. While his essay was over fifty words, off topic, and throws into sad, sharp relief my heart breaking solitude I cannot deny him his prize. Partly because I am a huge fan of finding myself hilarious, and even as lonesome tears are streaming down my face and onto my keyboard, I am laughing. Also, he's the only person who sent anything in. Enjoy. Since as many as a few weeks ago, scientists have been wrestling with philosophers for dominance in the field of ethics. This has never been more evident than in the drunken fistfight between Immanual Kant’s corpse and Professor Stephen Hawking (and his Incredible Gravity Stretching Machine). With no clear winners in sight, we are forced to abandon this line and concern ourselves with more appreciable matters: i.e., getting that monkey guy laid. Just as Professor Hawking’s robot exchanges blows with the graying flesh of I. Kant, Monsignor Monkey needs a girlfriend. About this, there can be no debate. Merriam-Webster describes “laid” as: a) to bring against or into contact with something; or b) to apply oneself vigorously. Vigorously, indeed. As scientists have clearly kicked the crap out of philosophers on this point, we must concede to Sisqo’s Libidinous Theory (aka, The Thong Dialectic). In conclusion, poor monkey guy. This paper has clearly proven that America will make the greatest strides in industry when it turns its attention to such worthwhile pursuits (ed. note: see illustration). As Heidegger exclaims in The Metaphysical Foundations of Logic (Studies in Phenomenology and Existential Philosophy): "Get this crazy bitch off me!"
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