It's My Year! For those of you not currently in the know, yesterday marked the beginning of the new year on the Chinese calendar. The year of the monkey. What does this mean to me? Well, other than getting my fill of 'year of the monkey' references from friends, and finally knowing why the asian "massage parlor" a block down from my office suddenly became festooned with all manner of fancy decorations, I'm not really sure. This is, however, a good thing, as that frees me up to decide that the year of the monkey will mean whatever I chose it to mean. So here we go. This year I will be lucky in pudding: Monkeys are infamous for their love of pudding, frequently using crude tools to cleverly extract the delicious goo from natural pudding wells. Unexpected pudding windfalls will be prominent throughout the year. Except for tapioca. That shit's nasty. The fire elements will not be good to me: It's only a matter of time before I pass out in a dive bar bathroom with a cigarette in my mouth and light myself aflame. Who will save me? Nobody, because that damn water element Jake will be too busy trying to pick up on that 39 year old mother of two barfly. He's such a man-whore. This will be the year of the atrociously mangled use of apostrophes: As's smart's as's they's are's, monkey's are's not's very's keen's on's the's correct's use's of's grammar's. Their's only's defense's against's criticism's are's shouts's of's "go's to's hell's!". And's throwing's poo's. Red will become my color: Not only will red (a lucky color indeed) become mine and mine alone, I will also use it to spark the next big retro fashion craze. Think Eddie Murphy's "Raw". Get on the bandwagon before it's too late! * * * |