Perception When she told me I was one of her favorite people, I had a flashback. It was many years ago. I was at a BBQ with friends and E. was going to hug me but stopped and said, "I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't like to be touched". I was somewhat taken aback. Not because he was wrong (isolating yourself almost completely for two years will do that to a person) but because I had thought I had concealed that part of me perfectly. I had presented (or so I thought) a well tailored personae to the people around and couldn't believe they had seen through it. I had spent years crafting a me that wasn't me, and with no ceremony that was pulled down and destroyed. In theory, I suppose, I should have learned from that. At the very least I should have realized that I don't give people the credit they deserve for being able to see through the intricate webs of deception that I weave. And yet... As much as I'd like to blind myself to it, many people (who are good people) have unexpectedly taken to the notion that we're friends. And the thing that I find hard to accept is that they are. It's a relatively rare person to whom I decide is a friend, yet when I do they have me forever and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Though even as I consider those people my friends I rarely imagine that the feeling is mutual. I don't expect it be. I don't need it to be. In some ways, I don't want it to be. And so it is that I find myself distant yet close with many people. I feel close to them but believe they are far away and I am comfortable with that. We exist on different levels. I consider them my friends but expect nothing in return and am shocked when it is admitted that how I feel towards them is how they feel towards me. It's not easy to learn this about people I know. It makes we question how I perceive the relationships I have. It makes me think, sometimes, that I'm getting over my head and there is nothing but broken promises and sorrow to be had in the future. Even so, I can't find myself doing anything else because I love these people. And this is, I think, who I am.
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