Aborted Short Stories From Way Back One of the few things life ever taught me was that the only way to tell if you really love somebody is to watch them eat. A lot has been said about the intangibles that tell us when we have finally found our soul mate, but nothing confirms it like the voyeuristic ordeal of mastication. No human being can avoid the pitfalls of consumption and, in spite of what "Tom Jones" and "91/2 Weeks" would have us believe, it is never sexy. It's always one thing or another. Bites that are too sloppy or big. Strange facial contortions, mouth open, talking. Those noises that drill into your brain like an invisible worm... He woke up somewhere between midnight and day. There were vague recollections of his wallet pulling a vanishing earlier in the evening and the drugs were wearing off. This was as good as his day was going to get... I couldn't help but wonder what she did for a living. "Oh God," I thought "I hope she isn't a lawyer!". It's not for the reason that most people would assume either. I mean, that's part of it, but mostly it's because they're too damn smart. I don't mean book smart either. Hell, I have a Master's degree and I don't know shit. Erdos was a mother-fuckin' mathematical genius and he couldn't boil water. It's that particular fashion of critical thinking that drives me up the wall. Philosophers are the same way, but, you know, they're philosophers so they don't really count...
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