I still got suburbia in my soul! I came to the big city some time ago, leaving my bucolic roots far behind. One of the first things I noticed when I got here was the rather surprising lack of chain restaurants. You ain't gonna find any Applebee's or Olive Garden's 'round these parts. It was easy to see why as well. There is a strong anti-chain sentiment when it comes to the food scene. Partly because there is a massive number of high quality restaurants here, but also because relatively inexpensive food is abundant. For what you spend at a Red Lobster, you could get something similar of a far superior quality at one of many local establishments. I have, for the most part, absorbed this little local cultural attitude. Sure, I still get the occasional jones for McDonald's fries, and have yet to shake my quarterly junkie like need for KFC, but for the most part I'd really rather eat something local and not processed. And yet, I can't turn my back fully upon my past. A past where super sizing was what you got for being good at the grocery store, and El Torito was an exciting foray into authentic ethnic cuisine. And sometimes something comes along to remind me just from whence I came. The other night Fu and I were watching TV, talking a bit during the commercial break, when my attention was flagged down by hearing the phrase "fried mac and cheese". My head whipped around back towards the TV just in time to see the aforementioned product. Deep fried nuggets of macaroni and cheese being lushly displayed in what turned out to be just one of many gut bomb items being showcased by our good friends at T.G.I. Friday's. Almost immediately I felt a familiar stirring in my soul. The bits of me that still remembered the halcyon days of suburban youth sprang to life. They sang out to me a simple song, that shit looks fucking tasty! Wondering precisely what it was that made me stop talking to her, Fu asked what I was looking at. I went back to the ad (thank you tivo!) so she could see what had taken hold of my soul (and also maybe so I could see what else they were offering) and my suburban bits ended up quivering with delight. I was captivated by the plethora of deadly snacks they had to offer. My favorites? - The aforementioned "fried mac & cheese". It was a disgusting sight to behold, yet I could not look away. It was like driving by an accident and thinking, "I sure hope I don't see a decapitated body laying on the hood of a school bus full of now crippled orphans" but thinking to yourself when you passed by and saw nothing, "But I wanted to see a dead body!" - The "sizzling triple-meat fundido". This one made me think they're getting ready to change their motto to 'If you can't get to the myocardial infarction, we'll bring the myocardial infarction to you!'. The scene was of a happy patron sliding a bread stick through a shallow pool of radioactively yellow cheese full of all manner of god knows what. Some internet research (yeah, I looked it up. I had to know!) informed me that the god knows what is pepperoni, italian sausage and bacon. Because, really, can one have too much meat? I mean, from a non-medical standpoint? - Potato skinny dippers. These are your general potato skins...With a twist! They come with a tawdry blend melted cheese and chorizo, but that's not all. Just in case that's not enough for the parts of your body which require crap, they throw in some sour cream for - you guessed it - Dippin'! I hear you get a special prize if you live long enough to pay the check. My two culinary sides are now engaged in a pitched battle. Part of me is truly horrified by these concoctions, but the other half, the half that wants more than anything in the world to own a deep fryer because it wants to try every food imaginable deep fried, wants to go and go now. Never mind that there isn't actually a single T.G.I. Friday's in the city! I'll drive to one outside of town! Bonus: This wasn't on the ad, but was on their web site. I'm just gonna take this right from there because it is the one thing which truly horrified me. "Parmesan crusted sicilian quesadilla (Sauteed chicken, Andouille sausage, bacon, bruschetta salsa and melted Monterey Jack cheese stuffed in a Parmesan crusted flour tortilla, all drizzled with a Balsamic glaze)." Fucking T.G.I. Friday's. Bonus #2: From my friend Rick who likes the deep fried green beans with (suprise!) ranch sauce. "Just enough vitamins to make you feel good before they're drowned in a tsunami of cholesterol and hypertension."
|